breathe

I stepped outside the classroom door and slowly took another step forward breathing in. A breath that felt like my first in four months. A breath that felt like relief. It was a relief. It reminded me of stepping off a plane at the Long Beach airport into open air. Fresh, movable air. I felt movable. 

The past four months were a flurry of nervous questions, late night cups of coffee and stress. Now, it wasn't all that bad. In fact, it was fun. It was exciting to be back in a classroom and I now have 30 or so more people to love. And people who love me. And have loved me, well. 

Monday afternoon, I handed in my final exam, walked outside and chatted with now friends and approximately five minutes into the conversation exclaimed, "we can drink again!" I completed my first semester of graduate school at the Institute for Spiritual Formation, something I wasn't sure I could do four months ago. And after looking into my heart for four months, digging around and surfacing unknown thoughts and feelings, I could use a drink...or two (maybe not three) while off contract. 

Working full time and going to school is hard. Something seemingly obvious and known before I entered the semester, but I think I was a bit surprised. And I was more open. It wasn't like senior year when I was well over my head, but could be a 'survivor' (to an extent). Being in ISF is almost a calling to not be a 'survivor.' I was required to sit with God and think about my heart and life, something I desperately wanted and yet was sometimes so difficult. 

I am extremely thankful for this last semester. I never thought of myself as 'protected' in life. But I now more than ever realize how much God, not anyone else, but how God protected me growing up. And even how He was gentle with me this semester. I am the woman I am today solely because of Him and couldn't be more thankful.

I will breathe a little lighter through Christmas without the burden of prayer projects and books and working extra hours to make up for class time, but with a heavy knowledge of how much I owe, a good knowledge, one that I want to continue to learn to breathe with and for.