reflections on restoration

"Gosh, you look gorgeous!" she exclaimed.

I was a bit taken aback and shocked at her statement, but I politely said thank you rather than say my thoughts of "No, I don't!"

She then asked, "What have you been doing?" I took this as a compliment. However, I must reflect upon the fact that at the age of 22, this is not a common question. Why? Because normally at 22 you are young enough that you don't need to "do things," or add face creams and such to your beauty diet. I figured this was a question that would be asked of me at age 55 when I finally lose my baby weight and have money for clothes after all the kids are out of the roost. (That is assuming, I find a rooster.)

I graciously accepted her compliments and we finished lunch. But I knew. I knew why she said those things. She hadn't seen me since graduation. I don't think I had realized either before today what has happened in the last few months.

I don't think I can fully describe what happened the last month and a half of my senior year at Biola, nor can I fully explain what I was feeling during that time, except to say that I was highly emotional. Between finishing some of my most difficult classes, working nearly 30 hours a week, preparing for graduation, grieving the idea of leaving Biola, trying to keep my friends, attend social events, be a bridesmaid, taking 18 units, dealing with family crises, my irrational fears, and attempting to keep my room clean so my roommate wouldn't kick me out (thankfully she would never do such a thing) was one of the hardest times of my life. It is an experience I never want to experience again. I learned a lot those weeks, but there was no stopping point, no time to breathe, no time to just sit and relax. It was go, go, go and GO! Or else..I felt as though I would die because there was not time to not go. I wanted desperately to stop and breathe. I wanted to just sleep and not do anything. And yes, there were a few Saturdays I was able to sleep in and maybe a few nights of relaxing, but for the most part relax was not in my vocabulary. For about three weeks straight, I was constantly on the verge of tears. There were quite a few people who experienced those tears as well and I am thankful for those who listened and for those who looked away when they knew I needed to silently cry because I was too tired to do anything else for a bit.

Today when Roe told me I looked gorgeous, I don't know how much of it had to do with the way I looked, but I know I feel different. My body and soul feel restored. I have energy and to be honest, smiling is so much easier now than it was a month ago. It's not that I didn't have fun at some great events the last few weeks of school, but it's that I have time to breathe. I have time to talk to my friends and really listen. I have time to talk to God and sit with him.

As I am finally processing these things, there will probably be a few more posts on this. Thanks for reading if you actually reached this sentence. :)