Two Words in One

Ambivalence. It is a great word...especially for indecisive people. The word ambivalence means to hate and love something or someone equally. I am not only indecisive, but ambivalence is one of my favorite words. This may be because I learned the word freshmen year of high school. At that point of my life, when I used my extraordinary vocabulary including words like "whatever" and "ambivalent," ambivalence won a crowd over. Or I may love the word because, however vague the term is, it is an extremely descriptive word.

Ambivalence is a powerful word and can be used to describe powerful emotions. I have been ambivalent towards my mother when she is angry with me, ambivalent towards my last boyfriend when he broke up with me, and ambivalent towards the fact that I will not be an RA next year.

One thing I have learned about ambivalence is that it is a temporary word. There is only so long before a person decides they really do love or hate that something, or for the latter become neutral to the situation. There is a sense of band-aid in the word ambivalence. In the deepest of hearts, you love that person or thing, but can feel such hatred towards that something at the same time. Or we hate them so much, however, we know we love them the same. When we feel that hatred and equal pull of love we can't bring ourselves to say either. And that is when we become ambivalent.

And then we are reminded days, weeks, months, or years later that ambivalence is temporary. Our band-aid is no longer needed. We can be decisive; we can be neutral, loving, or feel disdain. And ambivalence becomes translucent to show our soul, where we have been, where we have come from and where we are at today.